A Brief Background

There are a few of you out there that haven't known me for very long, so I'll give a little bit of a background here. The first 6 years of my life I was "normal", even a little scrawny perhaps. Then pretty suddenly around the age 7 I got chunky. There was no change in my diet, no trauma in my life, nothing to explain it. The rest of my brothers and sisters remained the same (becoming atheletes and professional alpine climbers even). If I remember correctly, my mom took me to the doctor a few times to see if there was anything wrong with my thyroid. Doctors never had answers and in the early 90s there wasnt a whole lot of info about weight loss.

So that is how it started. A few years later we moved from Oregon to Utah. The children at my school, at age 9, 10, and 11, were brutal. Apparently it was not okay to be a chubby kid in Utah Valley. I didn't suffer any physical abuse like some bully stories I've heard, but did get threatened a few times. Mostly it was the name calling and talking about me loud enough to hear. Fat Lard, Saddlebags, etc. I had learned from other tormented souls that it was a bad idea to fight back. If you faught back they'd tease even more relentlessly. My strategy was to pretend I didn't hear it, then they'd get bored and give up. There were 2 small instances in 3 years that I remember people standing up for me. I clung to those with my life. I didn't share the bullying with my parents either. I didn't see a reason why. I think it was this isolation and bullying that led to gaining more weight. At that point I had few friends and wasn't very active. Ramen noodles, cheese quesadillas, and cheese in general were my friends.

In Jr. High the teasing stopped but it had done irrepairable damage. There was one instance in 8th grade when someone made a vicious comment about my weight, but mostly the kids in Jr. High were all a little nicer. I lost a little weight, realized exercise was almost fun, gained a little bit of self esteem. Made some awesome friends, even had a sweetheart through 9th, 10th, and 11th grades. I fluctuated a bit but never on purpose. But overall I gained weight pretty steadily.

I'm not exactly sure what my highest weight was. At a certain point you stop weighing yourself. But it was somewhere around 230 lbs. (I'm 5' 6" if you need a reference.) Bless this boy's heart for going to the dance with me! (not the before mentioned sweetheart by the way)

Yet another bad high school year.

This was in college, but not sure what year. This was a weird time in my life and I didnt care anymore.

Here I am today, literally. 166 lbs. This blog will dig into more detail about how it was done and undone and done again :) The one redeeming thing I can say is that although I did gain quite a bit back it was directly the fault of pregnancy. And I realize that after each baby it will be a struggle all over again. However, I continue to lose a little more than I gain, so when I'm done having darling babies it shouldn't be too difficult a task to stay healthy.

A somewhat slimming mirror, but you get the point.

And also, I chopped my hair :) I was going for the post haircut Repunzel from Tangled. Did I succeed?

Anyway, as I looked back through these pictures it was theraputic. I've been losing weight for so long that I had forgotten the old me. I now understand why my skin hangs so unnaturally on my arms and belly. I can see more clearly the new me. I hardly recognized the old me. It is true though, when you hear people say that you still feel fat inside. Somehow that label holds on realllllly tight! I'm doing better with that however. Most people would probably think, "I could never put myself out there like that on a blog." And I agree somewhat, I couldn't have at the beginning of this whole weight struggle because I thought being fat defined me. Going through this process of transformation is slowly teaching me that my weight doesn't define me. So I'm not ashamed of the way I was, and am therefore able to share this personal story with you. I've learned a great deal about myself. I would still, however, so enjoy revenge on my childhood tormentors. I feel like their words, laughter, jeers, and cruelty took a great deal away from my life (and still do as the old comments still haunt me occasionally). I wish I could go back and talk to the little vulnerable me.

So there is the story of tearing down a person, but that's not what this blog is about. This blog is about the hope of reconstruction. I hope I can share insight, honesty, frustration, and rejoicing with you! And I still have a ways to go (about 30 pounds), so I'd appreciate the support!