Hey, it's me.
It's been a really really weird 4 months for me.
I've really struggled and it's not normal for me, which makes it even harder I guess. I've gained 10 pounds, also not normal for me. At first I gained 5, not a big deal, then it rose slowly until it was 10. Then I lost 5, than gained those 5 back. Rollercoaster. I don't know, it's been really weird and I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. 10 pounds shouldn't be putting me into this state, but it is. I've equated any weight gain with complete failure, not just a set back. So right now I'm working on the emotional side of things.
I need to find a way to stop equating weight with worth. I also need to see things from other people's perspectives, nobody else can see when I gain or lose a pound, nor do they suddenly see me as fatter simply because I ate something "bad." I feel like I'm being suffocated by my body, like my spirit is in here somewhere, screaming to be unburied, but in the meantime every negative thought I have (which are not few these days) continues to bury me deeper.
I'm ready to change my attitude, not my weight. I remember my mom always telling me that maybe I'm destined to accept myself rather than try to lose weight. The thought HORRIFIED me. But now, I'm so tired and so defeated and embarrassed about sucking that I think I'm ready to submit. I'm ready to fight the self image battle and learn to love my body.
Maybe.
1 comment:
I know where you are coming from. I wish I had some magical cure that could stop you from thinking the weight defines you. You are a wonderful person and have done so amazingly well. You are beautiful and an excellent mother and wife. Don't forget that.
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